1. Be blissfully ignorant. Jerusalem is a tense place, sure, but it's also beautiful! Focus on the positive. Don't let the fact that centuries of wars have been waged over this land get you down! And certainly don't let it force you take extra precautions. Those ten soldiers standing on the corner with their machine guns? They're just hanging out.
2. The very best time to visit Jerusalem is when there are no other tourists around. Make sure that you arrive at dusk and it's always a great idea to wander away from the populated areas without a map. Who says getting lost isn't fun?!
3. Don't be a wallflower. Express yourself! People here like to dress modestly so show them another way of doing things and dress as inappropriately as possible. I'd reveal my shoulders, my knees and, if I were feeling particularly frisky, even my bellybutton. Because everyone likes to be shocked and offended. Trust me on this one.
4. George Michael said it right: "Sometimes the clothes do not make the man." It's not always enough to just dress differently. If you're blue-eyed, freckle-faced,and blonde, you'll automatically make a bigger and better splash when entering the Muslim quarter. And if you're not lucky enough to boast these attributes, don't worry. You can always discuss Zionism in a voice that is ten decibles too loud.
5. Well, you bargained at the bazaars in Turkey and Egypt, so why not bargain here? Even though your boyfriend has plenty of money in his pocket, it's always fun to dispute minor sums of money. For kicks and giggles, try going to a falafel stand, eating and drinking there with gusto, and then refusing to pay the full price for your meal!
6. As soon as you see the terribly tall, frighteningly large restaurant owner get a little angry, you can easily calm him down by calling him "habibi." This means plaything and, yes, it has a slight sexual connotation! There's a small percentage chance that he'll be amused. Probably not. But either way, his contorted facial expressions will certainly be entertaining.
7. Raise everybody's blood pressure by trying to involve the authorities. What are those soldiers with their big guns there for anyway? Tell them to stop chit chatting and get to work!
8. Stand your ground even more firmly than ever as the argument escalates. Absolutely no smiling allowed. Refuse to back down even when you are told by other customers that the restaurant is, in fact, charging you the correct amount. The truth is inconsequential. It's a matter of principal. Winning is everything.
9. Remain seated and indignant. Wait until the owner stands over you and gives you a venemous deathstare. And whatever you do, DO NOT PAY THE FULL PRICE. Throw a few coins on the table and roll your eyes, muttering cursewords slightly under your breath but really just loud enough so that you're sure the waiter can hear you.
10. At this point, the best way to seal the deal is always to stand up suddenly and wave your arms wildly around while you raise your voice. If possible, it's a nice touch to elbow the restaurant owner just slightly as you move aggressively past him, huffing and puffing as you go. Then run. Just run.
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